EZ Trim #2
Creative Review: EZ-TRIM
DM 18 Jan.
tested many diet packages, I am in agreement with the
closed-face outer, however I would use a more medical
cornercard . Something to the effect of:
M.D. (I would not spell
out name to avoid gender
(2) Either a
Bulk Rate stamp or 3rd class meter is preferable to the
pre-printed indicia. If using a pre-printed indicia, I would
suggest having my designer come up with one that looks like a
meter, with stamp effect.
(3) I’m not
sure that "teaser" copy would enhance this piece. It could be
seen as too "promotional" if a FREE GIFT were touted on the
outer. Doctors don’t send FREE GIFTS. I might try a very
medical teaser, such as:
Results Enclosed (Funky
I’d love to test a double-window outer for this package. Many
doctors today use double-window outers to send patient
statements. This allows for personalization and is bound to be
should definitely be a #9 and not a Monarch size. Any size that
makes it difficult to insert the order form suppresses
(2) The "teal"
color does not look professional. I would stick with black and
make this look more clinical as well. Instead of ORDER
DEPARTMENT (very promotional) I would use a return address line
of DISPENSARY or PRIORITY PROCESSING. Something to give it more
(3) I would
add a Stamp Effect to create more of a sense of
(4) I don’t
understand why anyone would ask on the CRE "Is your correct
name and address on the order form?" They fill out the order
form. It’s not personalized. I found it confusing.
(1) I don’t
usually like to call this an order form. It seems more
professional if it’s a REQUEST, or REQUISITION, or DISPENSARY
ALLOCATION DOCUMENT. Anything that tells me this is a
professional, proprietary health product helps.
(2) I would
make the form look more like a Pharmaceutical Form than a piece
of promotional literature. Half the order form is devoted to
NuSOURCE Cream and looks like an FSI ad. This is distracting,
at best. I would separate the Premium from the actual order
form and create an 8 ½ x 7 single-fold order form. By opening
up the size of the form we could highlight the savings up to
$79.80 considerably more. 80% of the people do not have 20/20
vision. Right now the bonus savings are nearly impossible to
read. Printing it on 8 ½ x11 and doing a chop-and-nest for the
premium buckslip would work as well.
(3) I don’t
like the use of the color RED in this form. I find it
distracting and, again, not professional looking. I’d probably
go with a different color and do some screens on the order
(4) I would
have checks or money orders payable to GMC and not General
Merchandise Corp. – GMC sounds like GNC (General Nutrition
Center) while General Merchandise Corp. sounds like Japanese
importers of chintzy stuff.
(5) I would
make the SHIP TO: portion of the order form an actual shipping
label. It’s a chore to have people fill out this information,
so why not make it more plausible by stating that this is the
RUSH SHIPPING LABEL for your shipment?
NEEDS to be an FDA disclaimer on this form. Period.
Premium offer is very confusing. I get NuSOURCE cream with a 1
or 3 month supply of diet pills. I get NuSource Alpha-Hydroxy
with 2 month supply. One is worth $24.95 and the other is
$34.95. Confusing? Perhaps it would be better to state they
would get $25 bonus with 1-month order, $35 bonus with
2-month...and $60 bonus with 3-month. This bonus approach makes
more sense and a $60 bonus on a $99.95 order makes me think I’m
only paying $39.95 for a hundred bucks worth of diet pills
because the other stuff is FREE.
(8) I don’t
recommend asking people how much they want to lose. A large
percentage of mail-order diet buyers are not even overweight.
This I know for a fact. Many are compulsive dieters who panic
when they are 8 pounds overweight. Many of the buyers I studied
were younger women obsessed with being thin, not the severely
overweight women many of these programs focus on.
benefits are buried in the copy. The headline should be
BRIGHTEN DULL, TIRED-LOOKING SKIN BY 60%.....FREE! Based on the
average age of diet product buyers, brightening skin should be
more important than reducing wrinkles. Once you’re that old,
you don’t care as much if you are overweight. I’d also play up
the SOFTNESS and SMOOTHNESS angles. Very important to ALL
(2) On the
flip side, the charts are ok, but why not headline this side
with NuSOURCE WORKS LIKE SKIN CREAMS COSTING UP TO $139...AND
IT’S YOURS FREE* (* with 2 or 3 month supply of diet
(3) Why is
there a reference to "squint lines" that MEN get?
to read. Should be re-written in legible hand.
(2) Should be
edited to allow for bigger handwriting.
(3) I’d take
the liberty of deleting Store Hours and other extraneous
information from Traci’s letterhead. Too busy.
color screen to something more cheery than gray. Use a warm
color. Pink always works well, or light lavender.
this should be personalized.
(2) Is there a
reason why the subhead states "Dr. Kathy Santoriello is
licensed to practice medicine and resides in the state of North
Carolina"??? This is a real STOPPER and makes me question the
authenticity of the letter, as does the "GO TO PG. 2, etc."
footnotes. A doctor might say (cont’d.) or (over,please), or
(continue on other side) but not GO TO PG. 2.
(3) I would
never use all upper case type on a letter, nor would I use the
typeface used in this promotion. It doesn’t look real,
professional or worthy of consideration. I wouldn’t go to a
doctor who wrote in ALL CAPS. Nor would I believe what they
have to say. It’s the typographic equivalent of
(4) I also have learned NEVER to begin a
sales letter with a "yes" or "no" question. If they say "no",
the promotion ends right there!!!
"paid" for helping participate in a study is not clarified and
brings confusion in right up front. I’d state that we’ll reward
you with free gifts for participating – gifts valued up to
(6) I would
not promote the "Be on TV" aspect. Women who used to be fat
don’t necessarily want national TV exposure for their
embarrassment. I’d rather take the opposite approach – we don’t
advertise on TV to keep our promotional costs down and pass the
savings on to you. We prefer having a doctor write to you about
this incredible MIRACLE OF WEIGHT CONTROL!
(7) I would
keep the letter at 4 pages. I don’t believe doctors have time
to write 6-page letters. If they do, they must not be good
doctors. I’d incorporate some of the anecdotal testimonials
into the doctor’s letter. THIS LETTER ALSO NEEDS AN FDA
(8) I would
have much stronger benefit copy in the P.S., and perhaps use it
to bring in an 800# for ordering. When people make a
life-changing decision, they want to take action right away. An
inbound toll-free number would be good here.
(1) The cover
graphic design is weak. The headline should scream
"I lost 75 pounds in just months...and you
triangle burst in the upper left corner does not pop at all,
and assumes I know all about NuSource. I don’t, if this is the
first piece I read, which it often is. Why not pop out
boldly $70.00 IN FREE
GIFTS JUST FOR TRYING E-Z TRIM!
(3) I question
the reference to the parent company on the front panel. First
of all, it makes me wonder why you put it there. I would move
the photo of Dr. Santiorello (and get a more medical looking
photo) and the comparison of E-Z Trim to Traditional
Dieting on the
front cover and move reference to the company to the back
panel, again calling in GMC instead of General Merchandise
Corporation. I don’t buy nutriceuticals from a knick-knack
entire brochure tells me far more about the Premium than the
Product. While Thermo-Slim seems to have an overdose of
testimonials, this brochure doesn’t play them up enough. And
the word "Eloquent" is weak (and few people really know what it
means). THESE POWERFUL TESTIMONIALS SHOULD CONVINCE YOU THAT
E-Z TRIM WORKS! That’s what grabs me by the collar and says
(5) The whole
layout and choice of colors makes me NOT want to read this
narrative style of this brochure, with Kari’s story, seems more
suited to a letter than a brochure. Perhaps consider having
Kari author the letter and the doctor author the brochure, or
at least skip back and forth between Kari’s narrative and
scientific verbiage referring back to Kari’s
(7) Could also
use some charts, graphs and even some bibliography or reference
brochure, too, needs an FDA DISCLAIMER and an Extraordinary
Results disclaimer (Your results may vary....etc.)
(9) I am not a
firm believer in going into too much detail on ingredients. The
mystery of a "magic bullet" always helps the sale, and "serial
dieters" are very aware of the common diet ingredients, like
Chitosan, Chromium Piccolinate, Guar Gum, Apple Pectin, B6,
Psyllium Husk, etc., but I do think you need to discuss how the
interaction of the ingredients accelerates weight loss –
perhaps even do a call-out box on "Thermogenesis".
(10) Since the
brochure talks about cousins getting slim together, it is the
natural place for a pass-along order form and the 800# we
discussed as part of the P.S.